Don't Overthink Things - Swiss Army Man
by cuddyclothes
Summary: Late one night, Manny asks Hank to teach him how to masturbate. Despite the issues this brings up for Hank, he helps out his friend. And inadvertently himself.


Hank tugged the pine bough into place along the roof. The roof was nearly complete, pine boughs covering the black recycling bags laid out to waterproof the lean-to. Fall was coming, so he had to make their little home warmer any way he could.

 _I'm too old to believe in such-such_

It was Manny's turn to read to Hank. Hank had fashioned a crude bookstand made out of small branches and an old pizza box. Manny was propped up against a tree, knees bent, the bookstand resting on his thighs. _Gone With The Wind_ had been quite a history lesson for both of them. Hank wracked his memory for information about the Civil War, and explaining why the North winning was actually a good thing. Manny was getting better at understanding stuff but that didn't mean it wasn't a pain in the ass sometimes.

"Hank?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know how to say the next word."

"Sound it out."

"Sen—ti—ment-talatat—tal-

Hank scrambled down to the ground and looked at the book. "Sentimentalities."

 _Sentimentalities as clean slates and starting all over._ What's a clean slate?"

"It means starting over, fresh. Let we did."

Hank crawled back up. He inspected their roof. If only he'd built a cabin when they first arrived here. No, instead he'd built another Fern River Cafe' and a patio decorated with a sign saying HANK AND MANNY'S HOUSE. He'd always wanted a patio. But a patio wouldn't keep them warm. "Keep reading, Manny, okay?"

"Okay." Manny continued to read the scene.

" _All I know is that you do not me and you are going away! Oh, my darling, if you go, what should I do?"_

" _My dear, I don't give a damn."_

Manny stopped. "Oh god," he said. "That's so sad. All this time Scarlett and Rhett loved each other at the wrong time and now it's all over. Poor Scarlett. This is so fucked up."

"Manny, it's not real. It's like the puppet shows I do." Hank scrambled back down to where Manny was sitting and put his hand on Manny's shoulder.

"I know it's not real! But it's so sad."

"Someone made it up all and wrote it down. Sometimes stories are sad. It would be boring if all of the stories were happy."

"You're right," Manny agreed. "Life can be so fucking sad, it wouldn't be right if there were no stories about that."

Hank kissed the top of Manny's head. "Yeah. Listen, there's a few pages left, you keep reading while I work on the roof."

Hank grabbed another pine bough and climbed up as Manny resumed.

That night, Manny lay on his side. Hank lay behind him, idly fingering Manny's dark brown hair and looking at the hair down the back of his neck. Hank kissed it.

Manny sighed, and moved his arm backwards over Hank's side. "Hank, would you teach me how to masturbate?"

"What?"

"I still don't know what masturbation is, or how it works. You don't masturbate, do you, Hank?"

"Sometimes."

"You're not telling the truth."

"I...I still can't, okay? I'm already doing more with you than I've done with anyone else," Hank admitted. "I have to go slow." He felt ashamed of himself for saying that.

"Teach me how to masturbate."

"I'm tired, Manny.'

"Please? I can't stop thinking about it. I want to masturbate!"

"Okay. If that's what you want." Hank rolled Manny over onto his back, his body making soft cracking sounds. Manny was already very hard. Hank didn't like thinking about it, but that wang was intimidating. Hank undid Manny's trousers, sliding up his I'M WITH STUPID t-shirt. Hank was trying not to tremble. They were in unknown territory. He slid down Manny's tightie-whiteys. Manny's pubic hair was as dark brown as the rest of his body hair, thicker than Hank's blond fuzz by a mile. It contrasted with Manny's pale, translucent grayish skin.

"Okay, buddy, I'm going to take your hand and help you place it around your compass okay?"

"Yeah." Manny stared down at his wang, which was getting larger and harder by the second. Hank really wanted to put his mouth around it, grab Manny's balls and suck them. He was startled by his own lust. Instead, he picked up Manny's hand and gently placed it around Manny's stiff cock. "Here, you hold it."

" _OW_!"

"Not so hard, Manny! Let's try again." Moving Manny's hand out of the way, Hank spat on his own hands and gently rubbed the moisture on Manny's cock. He remembered staring at Sarah on his phone. A bottle of skin lotion to help him slip and slide. But then he'd think about his mom and everything would just...fade in a sweaty, awful place of shame. He'd wipe his hands clean with tissues and wait for the urge to fade away. Hank stared at Manny's crotch. Hank again placed Manny's hand around his cock. "Okay, buddy, take it easy this time."

Manny took a full clumsy pull. "I can't control my hand enough, Hank. You have to help me."

Hank blushed to the roots of his hair. "I—I—"

"I'd do it for you. This feels really good, Hank, I don't want to be stuck here."

"Shit." Hank closed his right hand around Manny's again. "Now, be careful. We don't want you to hurt yourself." He proceeded to slide Manny's hand up and down, trying not to look. Hank realized there was a reason they'd never taken all of their clothes off—well, _Hank_ had never taken all of their clothes off—except for that time Hank gave Manny a shower in the locker room back at the playground.

He was starting to have a panic attack. His heart sped up, his breathing became shallow. Shit! He'd had panic attacks with the women he'd slept with if he wasn't drunk. His hand over Manny's as they pumped Manny's wang—Hank couldn't look down. He couldn't. So he turned his head and stared at Manny's face. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Manny was looking at him, blue eyes sparkling, smiling at him, crooked teeth showing. Hank's heart was banging in his chest. Manny let out a slow, low moan.

"Hank, thank you," he sighed, closing his eyes. "Oh, wow, wow, Hank, yes, don't stop—"

"I'm not stopping," he gasped, heart hammering. "I'm not stopping." Hank kept his eyes on Manny's face. Manny shifted around on the ground, body tensing as they both stroked him. His eyes opened.

"I wanna fuck you so bad, Hank, I really wanna fuck you. Don't stop, I'm thinking about fucking you."

"What?" Hank's panic was overtaken by astonishment. "Where did you learn language like that?"

"Remember that night we— _oh wow_ —you found beer and we got drunk and you sang I Want To Fuck You Like An Animal and it was so funny? Oh, wow, _don't stop_."

It was both weird and incredibly hot to hear Manny say "I want to fuck you".

"You keep thinking about fucking me, Manny, you keep thinking about that," Hank murmured. "Just keep thinking."

Manny's speech was now matching the speed of their hands. "Don't let go, don't let go, Hank, I'm gonna— _oh god—Hank_ -" Eyes fixed on Hank's, Manny let out a cry and cum splattered out of his penis. Hank had to move quickly to avoid being hit in the face.

"Oh, wow," Manny said with a sigh. "That was so great." Hank lay down next to his wonderful sorta-dead guy and put his head on Manny's shoulder.

"Yeah," Hank said.

"Let's do it to you!"

Hank felt panic coming on again. "No, no, Manny, It's a bad idea."

"It's a great idea!" Manny's cum-splashed hand tapped clumsily at Hank's crotch. "Look, your compass is pointing." He smirked at his own joke.

"My compass is fine." Hank pushed Manny's hand away.

"No, really, don't be scared, Hank. You helped me, I'll help you."

Hank drew in a long breath. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he said, reaching down and unzipping his cargo pants. With shaking hands, not looking, he pushed down his pants and underwear, freeing his penis. Cool air passed over it. His cock was not quite hard.

"Now take my hand and put it on your hand," Manny instructed. Hank moved down so that his penis was in reach, then did as he was told, making sure Manny's fingers weren't too tight. A blast of sensation went through him. Hank was horny but scared out of his mind. "I can do this."He turned his head so he was again looking into Manny's eyes, now scarcely inches from his. Hank stretched his body, willing himself to loosen up. "I can do this."

Manny smiled again. "You can do this."

Hank stroked himself slowly, forcing himself to keep his concentration on the pleasure and looking at Manny. Finally he looked down and saw their hands moving on his naked penis.

He wasn't hard. Only semi-hard. The tip wiggled from side to side. Hank wanted to die.

"No, it's not working, I've gotta stop—" Hank tried to disengage his hand, only to find that Manny wouldn't let go.

"Come on, Hank!"

"No, no, I can't do this—let go of me!"

"I'm going to sing so you don't overthink things."

 _I want to fuck you like an animal  
My whole existence is flawed  
You get me closer to god_

"Manny, not that song!" Hank leaned back.

Manny thought for a few seconds.

 _Our friendship is blossoming  
Let's eat the stuff we killed  
Now we started a fire  
I have to admit I'm enjoying your company  
Are we falling in lo-ooove?_

Hank couldn't help chuckling. "Oh my god, Manny." He felt calmer.

"Hank, I want you to feel as good as I do. Stop treating yourself like Scarlett and Rhett, okay? Make your story happy." Manny kissed him. "So, do you wanna fuck me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I do." Hank let his gaze drift back down to his crotch. He was hard. Manny's bony shoulder was beneath his head, Manny's breath slow and even. Hank closed his eyes, listening to sounds of their stroking, feeling the blankets underneath, the wind rustling the sides of their home. He was floating. Wave after wave of loveliness passed through him. "Manny...Manny..." Hank stretched his neck so that his face was even with his beloved's, but Hank didn't open his eyes or try to kiss. He simply purred along with the rhythm.

Until suddenly— _BLAMM!_ He came so violently it shocked him. He felt Manny's grip tighten. "Manny, no, let go!"

"I'm sorry, Hank!"

"Manny, let go!" Hank pried Manny's hand off of his. He caught his breath. "It's okay, buddy, it's okay. Wow." He nestled his head against Manny's. The wet stickiness was getting cold. He sat up, did up his own pants, then pulled up and buttoned Manny's.

"Thank you, Hank."

"Thank you, buddy."

Hank pulled an old teal wool blanket over them, nestling against Manny. They would have to do this again, soon. Like tomorrow. As soon as they woke up.

Yeah.


End file.
